For starters this one from Horatio

Drive By... Miami Style
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Peaunt Butter Jellytime - Brian Griffin Family Guy

More to come as i have crackin' lines to share from my fav shows and some might be rude

I like these:

Horatio: We are being detoured into the land of make-believe.
~
Horatio: He is a liar. I just don't know what the lie is yet.
~
Frank: Come on, don't you guys have some gizmo to track this thing? That blue light with the buzzers and bells or that mass-spectro-detecto-whatever-you-call-it thingy?

I love that one from Frank he's too funny XD

okay, so I got a quote, too... got it from Criminal Minds and it's said by Aaron Hotchner:

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

‎2 paddys doin across word. Paddy says 2 the other paddy "4 letters? Old mcdonald had 1?" Paddy says "farm?".. "Ahha your right.. How do u spell that?".. "is it E I..E I..O?"

Thanks to Ryan for that one lol

Needed a laugh then BOOM my crazy friend Ged posts this:

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished...Naturally, (since he was her husband.)
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

@Sasha: I thought this was just quotes, not jokes....

Anyways, here's some more:

Zim: Let us rain doom on the doomed heads of our doomed enemies!

~

Jackie Tyler: I'm gonna be killed by a Christmas tree!

~

Sycorax Leader: I can summon the armada and take this world by force.

The Doctor: Well, yeah, you could. Yeah, you could do that, of course you could. But why? Look at these people: these human beings. Consider their potential. From the day they arrive on the planet, and blinking step into the sun. There is more to see than can ever be seen. More to do than - no, hold on... Sorry, that's the 'Lion King'. But the point still stands. Leave them alone!

^Because Doctor Who is awesome lol

He got the battery this time - Alexx Woods - Dead Woman Walking s/1

Son of a bitch - Peter Griffin

The Doctor: All of you, stay in the light. Find a nice bright spot and stand. If you understand me look very very scared. No. A bit more scared than that. Okay, good for now.

~

River Song: Got a problem with archeologists?
The Doctor: I'm a time traveller. I point and laugh at archaeologists.

I just invented the banana daiquiri a couple of centuries early. Do you know they'd never seen a banana before? Always take a banana to a party, bananas are good.

~

The Doctor: You're Mr. Thick Thick Thickety Thick-face from Thick-town, Thickania. And so's your dad!

Holy crap!! Did anybody else feel that? - Peter Griffin

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman

One day, Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

Paddy Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

Paddy Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH YOU LITTLE THIEF! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

Little Patrick asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes.

When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands.

When he got back to class his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

So little Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent home and his mom asked him "What do you have in your hand?"

So little Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent to his room and his da came in and asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

So again little Patrick said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

Then his Da got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"

And little Patrick opened his hands and said, "Look Da you scared the crap out of him!"

There's a rat the size of a poodle

@Sasha:

"I'm a very busy lady and I haven't got all day. It won't cost much, just your voice!"

Love that quote of Ursula's. Though I don't think I'd want to give up my voice for a guy.

@Maddy - bet you can't tell where i got that quote but who from?

Trust me you'll be doing me a favor

I would probably give it up for Rickman... But I like my voice too much

@Sasha: I have a feeling it might be Ryan, but only because I'm assuming it's a Miami quote. Otherwise either Greg Sanders or possibly Peter Griffin.

And another quote:
"Did you see those Huns?! They just popped out of the snow!! Like daisies!!"
Three guesses as to where that's from

It's not Miami,Sanders or Peter Griffin but it's summat else

Ooh, what?

it's from a cop show

"Did you cut yourself shaving or were you just thinking too hard?" - Capt. Brass

Haha I love that line of his.
Also: "See this face? This is me almost believing you."

My quote is from the sexy Jon Togo lol serious * points to Jon and laughs *

I was technically right then :p I said Ryan and that's technically Jon

This is before Jon even joined CSI:Miami

Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.

The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."

Excuse the amount of filth i have swirling around my mind * Points to Jon * I blame him

HAHA at this one - i swear that Jon's giving my mind a friggin' filthy overhaul


A turkey is chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

@Sasha: Haha that last one's so true!

I have a couple animal ones:

Three mice are sitting at the bar, doing shots. First mouse drinks and says, "Let's have another shot and go sing."
The second mouse takes a shot and says, "Let's have another shot and go dance."
The third mouse takes a drink and says, "Let's have another shot, and then go beat up the cat."

(The funniness mighta been lost a bit in translation, but oh well)

A cat is chasing a mouse around when finally the mouse hides in its mouse-hole. The cat thinks about what to do for a while and then begins barking.
In the hole the mouse thinks, "What the hell? Cats don't bark," and comes outside to have a look.
The cat promptly eats him and thinks to himself, "Isn't it useful and wonderful knowing a foreign language?"

^One of my faves haha